Christmas and Nightmares

I am 22 weeks pregnant today.   I truly feel like they have been the most stressful, hopeful days of my life.  I usually have crazy nightmares when I am pregnant but they are out of control now.  I wake up in a panic.  So grateful for the Doppler and a wiggly baby.  I am emotionally weary.  We have 18 weeks --really 16 because I will be induced early.  My children are nervous also.  Their prayers and talk are cautiously hopeful.  I feel as though their innocence has been removed. The do not talk about when this baby comes they always say if we get to keep our baby...I am sad to see thier hesitance to be excited, but oh do I understand.  My sister told me I was being unkind to this baby by not being overly excited about the pregnancy.  Oh I am excited.   I just know that just being pregnant does not guarantee a baby at the end.  I am after all at 50% of my pregnancies with live babies.  3 alive, 3 miscarriages, and 1 stillborn.  Not really good odds.   But better than some others.  Have our major ultrasound on the 3rd.  Part of me hopes for peace after but I know it will not come fully until I have our little boy in our arms.

Christmas:
What a great time of year- I love it.  I so miss my little Joshua.  More and more as this baby is almost as big as I was when we found out we were expecting our little perfect boy(23 weeks).  His spot on our tree is so peaceful and it brings me joy.  My husband and I put his ornaments on together and cried and cried.   We purchased gifts for another 1 year old again this year.  I like this it is healing to a degree.  I am a gift giver.  I love to give gifts so it was fun to choose just the right thing for a little boy.  I hope their families cherish the gifts.  So grateful for the baby we celebrate at this beautiful season.  His Peace,  his grace, and his resurrected life bring me hope and peace that all will be OK.

Enough of my rambling.  My mind is flowing around so many places.  Love my boy.

a miracle

.

 We are so excited to be 14 weeks pregnant.  It has been tumultuous and every emotion has been present.  I feel blessed to  be Joshua's mother and to have another beautiful child coming.  We are hoping, praying, and preparing for this blessing.  Our doctor has been sent straight from heaven.  He has been reassuring, understanding, helpful and kind. We have had three appointments so far and I am feeling quite good about it all.  We have a medical grade Doppler to use compliments of our sweet doctor. Miracles happen do not think the time for those has passed.   

Lesson

My sweet 12 year old daughter had to teach the lesson in Young Woman's (the organization for our church's young girls) today.  It is stressful to teach your peers, but she has been preparing for a week and a half.  Her topic was on taking care of our bodies.  She was doing a great job on her own so I just let her be and offered minimal help and a lot of encouragement and prayers.  So this morning as she was sleeping I read through the lesson to make sure she had covered everything she needed to and was prepared.   The last part of the lesson was basically if you take care of your body your posterity will be safe and healthy.  I started crying immediately.  I have done a lot to care for my body all my life.  I have never participated in drugs, alcohol(none), smoking anything, etc....   I have tried to exercise and eat correctly.  Anyway I asked her what her plan was and she said she was going to skip it because it is not fair or true and she didn't believe it because of our Joshua.   It is true that your baby has a better chance if you do those things but definitely it does not ensure healthy happy babies.  Some very healthy women have children with challenges, some are not able to have any children, some women have their children die before birth, some have their children die due to tragic accidents.  We cannot ensure anything we just have to do our best to do what is best.  I don't know if I made sense just wanted to get this down because it bothered me and my daughter and I don't always have answers when my children need them.

Wave of light and day of rememberance

October such a time of year.  Everything changing and emerging.  I have been reading many blogs since our Joshua left.  They have helped me have strength and power to keep moving forward and to look for happy things in my life.  There are beautiful women who have beautiful angels that keep watch over us.  One particular blog has the message sent from heaven in the title next to the mother's beautiful first born.  Every time I go to that page the s looks like a r to me and I thought the phrase was rent from heaven until closer look.  I know her intent was sent but As I think of all 4 of my children rent is more appropriate.  None of our children are only ours.  I believe they also belong to a very loving Heavenly Father (God).  He cares deeply for each of them.  Though some only stay moments or seconds or come and go and some we get to watch grow and help them on their path.  Someone loves them and us as much as we love our angels and desires to have each child return home.  This brings me comfort and peace.    I remembered and thought of each of the angels I have met through their mothers.  I truly wish no one would ever get the news their sweet baby was dead, dying or ill.  Thanks for the lights lit by everyone.  Kappy

Prompted

I was talking with a friend today and she told me they took her sisters baby at 35 weeks because she was so worried about her baby and her doctor decided that their were enough reasons to induce and they saved her baby from the placental rupture that had started to occur. 

I have heard so many stories of people being prompted and getting to the hospital just in time to save their babies and all being well.  I have wondered why this did not happen for me and my Joshua.  I have decided that it was not the way it was to be for him.  His plan was to come for such a short moment and then to go.  I will not ever know the whys but I know I did my part and my family also. 

Anxiety

I am an easy going, extremely laid back person.  I strive to be as stress free as I possibly can.  Now this is not always perfect but I take things in stride and do not get worked up very easily.  I have had a few bouts of panic attacks since Joshua's passing.  I am nervous for each of my sister-in-laws right before they deliver.  I have been nervous for others.

I read the post of a friend yesterday, I was a wreck.  She talked about low fluid, being put on bed rest, Non Stress Tests etc...   She was joking around and sounding like she thought it was all a big joke and she might do those things but really everything was fine.  A while ago I would have just laughed it off and maybe would have thought oh I guess I better help etc..  But no I was in serious panic mode.  My breathing was heavy.  My heart rate quickened I was scared for her.  I didn't want to scare her but in the same breath. 


I want her to know the majority of my peace about Joshua comes from the fact that I did everything I was prompted to do.  I did everything my doctor told me to do.  I know I did everything I could have.  I have had what ifs but I know in my heart I did everything I could. This brings me peace and comfort.  Accidents happen sweet little ones leave this earth way before they are supposed to and there is no rhyme or reason to the things that happen.  I hope for a great outcome for her.  I pray hard for her.  I never want anyone to be told their baby's heart isn't beating.  I want perfect outcomes for everyone. 

Today

Today I am grateful for family and the wonderful blog world I have leaned on since the loss of my son.  I have never been good at expressing myself in words and so I read others words and find my feelings and my thoughts expressed so eloquently by others.  I find my feelings are in the normal realm as I read others.  There are a few women who have taught me much about life, loss, grief, and joy.  There are very few people who read this blog or comment ever but I write it for me.  I am going to post a few pictures from Joshua's happy day.  IT was happy we had a great first birthday.

Rachel's first R she has ever written.  I thought it was appropriate for her baby brother Joshua!

We started with a balloon release on Sunday with our families and my  husband so he could participate as he was hiking with the scouts on Joshua birthday:

We then went to eat at a drive in because I craved Fresh Strawberry/banana shakes when I was pregnant with Joshua.  (the only child I have had cravings with).  This was the first time I have had sugar in 6 months and it tasted great!

 

We hatched butterflies for three weeks before his birthday and had so much fun with their habitat and taking care of them.  It was fun and sad to release them for Joshua.  As you can see my 3 year old was fascinated with them.  They are beautiful and so much fun during such a difficult time for me.  The night we released them was beautiful and the sunset was so pink and purple and blue.  We had a great night meeting Derrek at the same time on his hike.  

My lamb filled with flowers and a one for my son.

Finally I took some shots with Joshua's hand and foot molds with a picture of the Savior.  The only place where true peace and happiness comes.

Happy Birthday Joshua

Happy Angel Birthday Sweet Son.  Miss you every day.  Love you forever, like you for always.  My baby you will always be.  God be with you till we meet again.  Love always, Mommy

A year ago

Tragedy.  There is no other word to describe the feeling I had a year ago tonight.  As my husband and I were reeling from the news of no heartbeat and a stillborn son who still needed to be born.  Broken hearted we went through the motions of telling our families.  Our children were so devastated.  They had prayed so hard for another sibling.  What a devastating night.  Well a year later all I can say is I am grateful for a God who loves me and knows me and my family. 

I thought I would be expecting a baby at this time but no the case just wishing for one.  

Help Please

Dear Angel Mom community, 

You all have helped me so very much over the past year.  I wish I could thank each of you for when your words inspired me to keep moving forward and you have helped me feel normal and like I am not quite as crazy as I thought I was.  I am trying to come up with something to do for Joshua's year angel versary.   My husband will be out of  town helping others and I really want to do something but have not been able to put my heart or hand on just the right thing.  I am looking for any suggestions you have.  I do have three other children who have been very affected by his loss and I want to do something with/for them also.  Thanks Kappy

(Joshua's footprint)

Dear Joshua

Son, 

I finally finished the memory book of our short time together. It should be here by the time of your 1st angelversary.  You will forever be my little angel boy.  Our time together was so short.  I was not aware of you until I was 24 weeks and then you slipped away so silently at 37 weeks.  13 weeks just wasn't enough time with your sweet spirit.  Time will march on and we will be together again someday. 

Love you forever my sweet angel boy,

Mommy

Memorial Day for Joshua

My handsome boys

 Joshua's headstone on Memorial day.  The cemetery was beautiful.  Every where we looked there were flowers, balloons, sentiments and people.  A beautiful summer day to see our loved ones.  I love Joshua's site.  It is a sacred beautiful place to be. 

Hope

A very unique combination of things have happened to bring the subject of hope into my mind.  I have longed hoped for another baby.  Not that one could replace my Joshua just one I could hold and love.   I have watched (blog watched) numerous baby loss moms go through successful pregnancies and deliver nice beautiful babies.  This has brought hope in my heart and overwhelming joy for them and their families.   Also tragedies that happen come to life as more angel moms join forums and another mom of angel twins just had an angel boy.  Heartbreaking to me.  But her message of hope to try again has soothed my soul.  It struck a cord of peace to me to hear of her desire to have a child.  It is the desire of many I know who deal with infertility and loss. 

9 months

A year ago this week I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Joshua.  I have never been so shocked by any news in my life.  I flew to Arizona with this secret in my heart.  I spent the weekend with family and loved every minute of thinking of my sweet baby growing.  I knew the baby was big because I felt him moving moving all over the place.   Little did I know I would be 24 weeks along with a beautiful boy.  What a miracle for a girl who wasn't supposed to have any more children.  What a tragedy that he would be whisked from our arms to heavens door.    He is still part of our family I adore him and miss him being a part of me.  I would love to have him here today, but as I tell my son often  "it was not his plan". 

I have painful arms today.  I have longed for another baby for a while and even more so when I lost Joshua but  today my arms ache with the loss of my darling son.  Maybe another miracle can happen.  I do not know.  One can only hope and pray for a great miracle.  It truly would be miraculous.  Like I have always said.  "I believe in miracles I have seen them happen before.  Maybe it is our families turn for a miracle. 

Easter

Time definitely marches on.  It has been 8 months since I held my Joshua.  Easter was very meaningful this year.  It usually is.  The resurrection is such an amazing part of Christ's life and even better the atonement where Christ suffered for all of us.  All our grief and pain and sin.  I am so grateful to have Him as my friend. 

I attended an Easter play entitled Jesus the Christ.  This was put on by local people (my sister and niece were in it)  It depicted scenes from Christs death to his accent into heaven.  Most of the script was taken from the New Testament.  At one particular part they had children and people in white as angels being risen from the dead and the children ran to their parents arms.  All I could think of was my Joshua and how glorious that will be when I can visit with him and get to know him more than I all ready do.     I cried through the whole play.  Sobbed some of it.  My sweet older son just held my hand.  What a good boy!

He is some of the reasons for my tears.  He prays and has prayed for years for a brother.  In his innocence when we told him we were having our three year old he said "I'm the baby we don't need another one, but if it is a boy it will be OK"

  NOT a Boy our sweet Rachel came.

Then to have Joshua gone.  And other events in our life have been very difficult on him.  He has so much faith.  I should have more faith.  He is so strong.  So this tells me either I need to try for another child or find a son who needs a home.  Both are hard.  I just tried to call my OBGYN who I really respect and it was painful.  I felt sheepish and scared all over again.   All the pain of my last visit there with Joshua came back.  OUCH.

Here is a beautiful egg one of the baby loss mothers made, I do not think it was for me but seeing my son's name with a live beautiful chick made me happy. I have found much peace in the blogs of others.  I sometimes wish I knew some of them personally.  I would like to have a friend who understood.  The people who know me think of me as a strong person that nothing phases. If only they knew but I guess I really don't want them to.  I like to be happy Kappy it is always who I have been.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

The first lines of this song entered my heart and I cried and cried today.  I just read a post on a friends blog about bad things happening to good people.   We have had a rough 7 months.  We lost our son then out of the blue we had hope for a possible family adoption.  This hope has carried us through the past loss of our baby boy though the child would not replace we could have someone who needed love and adoration we could provide.  We were not chosen as the adoptive family.   This whole week the quote "God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts" has been echoing in my brain.  

Today during church we sang the hymn  Be still my soul.   As we were singing the third verse which talks of the after life where "disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,"and today it gave me hope.  Hope for understanding and peace in my heart.  Bad things happen to good people to teach them to rely on our Savior, Jesus Christ who bore all things.  None of us are good enough, strong enough or talented enough to make it to heaven on our own.  We need our Savior, Redeemer and friend to help us. 

Be Still, My Soul

Peacefully

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697; trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813–1897

Music: Jean Sibelius, 1865–1957.

Six Months

Joshua has been gone from us for six months.   As I have had time to reflect upon him and his subsequent death, birth and funeral etc..   I have thought about little things I know about my son.   He is extremely obedient.  Every time I would ask him to kick so I knew he was there he did (until the end) Every time I worried if I could handle 4 children I would feel peace.  He was gentle and mild mannered.  He of course moved like crazy which I enjoyed.  I believe he was thinking of me when I was unaware of his pregnancy until 24 weeks.  With two prior miscarriages I am a wreck until I see a heartbeat and the little pumpkin moving around.  It was great not to worry about that with him.  He was healthy happy and a boy everything I dreamed of.  Completing my picture perfect family 2 boys and 2 girls.  Then to have him taken from us.   Some days I still wonder what I missed.  I have always been incredibly sensitive to others needs.  Why did I miss his signs of distress?  I didn't really I scheduled an appointment and I went a week before we were told he died.  I sat on the exam table as the doctor pronounced me and my Joshua healthy and safe.  He is a specialist.  I trust him explicitly. I would not have my miracle Rachel without his expertise.   I saw him(Joshua) on the ultrasound.  He was OK.  The heartbeat was strong and good.  He was just breech.  I can handle that.  Not his plan or mine.  Someday I will know all.  But now.      I walk by faith...

A Mother's Heart

I recieved this poem from a dear friend after the dealth of my sweet Joshua. 

A Mother's Heart

A mother sheds a silent tear for her precious son.

She bows her head in quiet prayer Thy will, not mine be done.

Her little child a perfect soul left God's Heavenly Throne.

He came to earth but could not stay His Father called him home.

His time was short, his mission done. He came and left his love

Footprints in her heart he placed. In peace he dwells above.

With empty arms, and tender heart she walks with faith, not fear.

She feels God's love surrounding her and knows He's always near.

Wrapped in the cloak of Heavenly Peace the comfprter provides,

She finds the strength to carry on, God's angels by her side.

Again she sheds a silent tear for her Angel Son,

Then bows her head and humbly prays, Thy will Dear God be done.

Marilyn Linford, 2009

Messages

Last Sunday in church a the new young women and young men's theme for this year jumped out off the page at the front of the room.  The first thing that caught my eye was that it is in the book of Joshua.  This book has brought special meaning into my life lately.  I know I have read it before but I did not realize the great miracles and words that are in the book.   Seeing his name brings happiness and joy to my heart.  I then read the message and it was just what I need right now to keep my chin up and my spirits happy.  It reads as follows:

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest"     Joshua 1   Good words for everyone especially for me.