Friday, March 25, 2011

14/15 days and counting

We are so excited, nervous, scared, terrified, and thrilled for the next few weeks.  Our new little boy will be here either on the 8th or 9th depending on how fast he decides to come.  I have been going for NST's since I was 32 weeks.  and then twice a week since 34 weeks.  My doctor is a  sweetheart.  He is trying to keep me grounded and mentally sane.  For the most part it is working.  I have had moments of panic and moments where I remember my time with my Joshua and tear up but I am so hopeful for our new son's arrival in safety and peace.  He is very wiggly and squirmy and I love him for it.  We are also taking time for individual dates with each child.  They come to the doctors with us and then we take them out to dinner and to do an activity just for them.  We went to the bookstore, Mc Donalds and the pet store with Rachel.  Jacob went shopping for a gift for baby, to Texas Roadhouse and the arcade.   Shelby and I are getting Manicures and Pedicures and then going out to eat.  It has been good to spend special time with each of them.  I am the most blessed person in the whole world.  I often wish I could do something to show Joshua that his presence is felt and that he has a spot in my heart and in our family. 

Sunday, March 6, 2011


This pregnancy has been a unique experience.  I have had many good experiences and some not so good.  I am taking Lovenox shots for blood clots.  I have bruises all over my huge stomach.  I have been so grateful for insurance to cover the ridiculous price of medicine.  This week I have missed my Joshua more and more than I have for a long time.  I have been very exhausted for some reason and I definitely was sleepy the whole 13 weeks I knew Joshua was coming.    I have longed to touch and hold him again.  I have tried to find something small I could do for him but he is where he is supposed to be and I am doing what I am supposed to so I just miss him.  More and more as this baby comes closer to delivery I am missing what I thought was to be with Joshua. I have an incredible amount of guilt as I feel I have not bonded with this baby as I have with the other four.  I am so excited to meet him and see his sweet person I just have not been able to let my fears subside.  Every appointment and NST should bring a peace and happiness but they just are another box to check on the way to delivery day.  One thing I am grateful for is this baby's squirminess.  He is by far my most easily felt baby.  I just have to think I haven't felt you move for a little while and he kicks kicks kicks to let me know he is safe.  Very comforting.