Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas and Nightmares

I am 22 weeks pregnant today.   I truly feel like they have been the most stressful, hopeful days of my life.  I usually have crazy nightmares when I am pregnant but they are out of control now.  I wake up in a panic.  So grateful for the Doppler and a wiggly baby.  I am emotionally weary.  We have 18 weeks --really 16 because I will be induced early.  My children are nervous also.  Their prayers and talk are cautiously hopeful.  I feel as though their innocence has been removed. The do not talk about when this baby comes they always say if we get to keep our baby...I am sad to see thier hesitance to be excited, but oh do I understand.  My sister told me I was being unkind to this baby by not being overly excited about the pregnancy.  Oh I am excited.   I just know that just being pregnant does not guarantee a baby at the end.  I am after all at 50% of my pregnancies with live babies.  3 alive, 3 miscarriages, and 1 stillborn.  Not really good odds.   But better than some others.  Have our major ultrasound on the 3rd.  Part of me hopes for peace after but I know it will not come fully until I have our little boy in our arms.

What a great time of year- I love it.  I so miss my little Joshua.  More and more as this baby is almost as big as I was when we found out we were expecting our little perfect boy(23 weeks).  His spot on our tree is so peaceful and it brings me joy.  My husband and I put his ornaments on together and cried and cried.   We purchased gifts for another 1 year old again this year.  I like this it is healing to a degree.  I am a gift giver.  I love to give gifts so it was fun to choose just the right thing for a little boy.  I hope their families cherish the gifts.  So grateful for the baby we celebrate at this beautiful season.  His Peace,  his grace, and his resurrected life bring me hope and peace that all will be OK.

Enough of my rambling.  My mind is flowing around so many places.  Love my boy.