tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13301374080813664992024-03-05T06:39:09.005-08:00Joshua Derrek WilliamsI established this blog as a place to post my thoughts and feelings regarding my sweet son who was born still due to a cord accident at 37 weeks."God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts."Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-29186853874544558652014-08-04T05:50:00.001-07:002014-08-04T05:50:36.327-07:00Anchor in Heavenhttp://www.sullengers.com/search?q=anchor+in+heaven<br />
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I love this post. As we hit the five year mark of our sweet Joshua --- I see pieces of this. There is still the very hard moments when things bring you back to the what could have been.... My two youngest have really taken an interest in our Joshua lately. Neither of them have a remembrance of him on this earth. Rachel was 2 1/2 and Jarom wasn't born. We were driving on errands recently and Jarom pipes up out of the blue with " you know our Joshua looks just like our Daddy" and I just smile and say yes he does. We moved this year and were in a different house and with different people. I never know exactly how much to bring and what to say..... Joshua and his sweet spirit is an important sacred part of me and people do not always accept him as here and real. Joshua is our anchor in heaven. At Christmas and at his birthday we always use these times to mark what we are doing to make sure we are in our chair in heaven and can spend time with our sweet boy. 5 years closer. Love you son..Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-55067000867527376992013-08-31T06:54:00.000-07:002013-08-31T06:54:30.220-07:004 years and soo......Joshua, Your birthday came-- we celebrated... I cried and cried during church. I presented the birthday prizes to the primary kiddos one who is your exact age. I love 4 year olds. It is such a magical time. I have often said it is the perfect age. You can take care of yourself. Your responsibilities are to have fun, play, enjoy the world around you and just grow. I love four. Miss you my little boy. Thank you for bringing a perspective to my life I would not have without your short presence. Your spirit is felt by all of us in your family. We love you and are doing everything we can to join you when our earthly journeys are through. Love you baby boy. Be obedient and enjoy the heavens.... Mom..Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-30673890441455798142013-06-03T21:47:00.001-07:002013-06-03T21:47:09.901-07:00My favorite Grief Poem/article. Explains so well the game<br />
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<div align="center" style="color: #999999; font-family: Cantarell; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
<strong><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">STEVEN KALAS:</span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">When you lose a child, grieving is a lifelong experience</span></strong></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">When our first child is born, a loud voice says, “Runners, take your marks!” We hear the starting gun and the race begins. It’s a race we must win at all cost. We have to win. The competition is called “I’ll race you to the grave.” I’m currently racing three sons. I really want to win.</span></div>
<div align="center" style="color: #999999; font-family: Cantarell; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">Not everyone wins.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">I’m here at the national meeting of Compassionate Friends, an organization offering support and resources for parents who lose the race. I’m wandering the halls during the “break-out” sessions. In this room are parents whose children died in car accidents. Over there is a room full of parents of murdered children. Parents of cancer victims are at the end of the hall. Miscarriages and stillbirths are grouped together, as are parents who have survived a child’s suicide. And so it goes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">In a few minutes, I’m going to address Compassionate Friends. This is the toughest audience of my life. I mix with the gathering crowd, and a woman from Delaware glances at my name tag. Her name tag has a photo of her deceased son. My name tag is absent photos.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">“So … you haven’t … lost anyone,” she says cautiously.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">“My three sons are yet alive, if that’s what you’re asking me,” I say gently.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">She tries to nod politely, but I can see that I’ve lost credibility in her eyes. She’s wondering who invited this speaker, and what on earth he could ever have to say to her.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">My address is titled “The Myth of Getting Over It.” It’s my attempt to answer the driving questions of grieving parents: When will I get over this? How do I get over this?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">You don’t get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate goal. An unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you. It changes your marriage. It changes the way birds sing. It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You are forever different.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">You don’t want to get over it. Don’t act surprised. As awful a burden as grief is, you know intuitively that it matters, that it is profoundly important to be grieving. Your grief plays a crucial part in staying connected to your child’s life. To give up your grief would mean losing your child yet again. If I had the power to take your grief away, you’d fight me to keep it. Your grief is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere inside you, you know that.</span></div>
<div align="center" style="color: #999999; font-family: Cantarell; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">The goal is not to get over it. The goal is to get on with it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">Profound grief is like being in a stage play wherein suddenly the stagehands push a huge grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates the stage. No matter where you move, it impedes your sight lines, your blocking, your ability to interact with the other players. You keep banging into it, surprised each time that it’s still there. It takes all your concentration to work around it, this at a time when you have little ability or desire to concentrate on anything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">The piano changes everything. The entire play must be rewritten around it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">But over time the piano is pushed to stage left. Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright, and slowly, surely, you begin to find the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage it. Instead of writing every scene around the piano, you begin to write the piano into each scene, into the story of your life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">You learn to play that piano. You’re surprised to find that you want to play, that it’s meaningful, even peaceful to play it. At first your songs are filled with pain, bitterness, even despair. But later you find your songs contain beauty, peace, a greater capacity for love and compassion. You and grief — together — begin to compose hope. Who’da thought?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">Your grief becomes an intimate treasure, though the spaces between the grief lengthen. You no longer need to play the piano every day, or even every month. But later, when you’re 84, staring out your kitchen window on a random Tuesday morning, you welcome the sigh, the tears, the wistful pain that moves through your heart and reminds you that your child’s life mattered.</span></div>
<div align="center" style="color: #999999; font-family: Cantarell; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;">You wipe the dust off the piano and sit down to play.</span></div>
Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-66815580553945573272012-10-30T20:59:00.001-07:002012-10-30T20:59:33.595-07:00Primary teachersTonight I went to a training for teachers and leaders of Primary (church class for children 3-12). One of the speakers shared the experience of a leader taking care of her and teaching her about the plan of salvation when she was so devastated by the death of her sweet little sister. Here a grown woman recalling with complete clarity the pain of her baby sister not coming home from the hospital, her funeral, and the kind hopeful words spoken to her by kind woman who was her primary teacher. I know my children had this experience and I am grateful to good people who love my children and helped them through our sweet Joshua's birth and death. Truly you do not get over the death of a child/sister/loved one/brother. You just learn to hope for the future with them in heaven.Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-64375153677131872652012-10-03T17:16:00.004-07:002012-10-03T17:16:50.134-07:00Beam Me up Pink<br />
<br />
<br />
There's a whole n'other conversation going on<br />
In a parralell universe<br />
Where nothig breaks and nothing hurts<br />
There's a waltz playing frozen in time<br />
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet<br />
I look at you and you're looking at me<br />
<br />
Could you beam me up,<br />
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it<br />
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face<br />
Beam me up,<br />
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,<br />
I think, a minutes enough,<br />
Just beam me up.<br />
<br />
Some black birds soaring in the sky,<br />
Barely a breath like our one last say<br />
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,<br />
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,<br />
It only happens when I'm on my own,<br />
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone<br />
<br />
Could you beam me up,<br />
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it<br />
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face<br />
Beam me up,<br />
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,<br />
I think, a minutes enough,<br />
Just beam me up.<br />
<br />
In my head, I see your baby blues<br />
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's<br />
One of me, with you<br />
<br />
So when I need you can I send you a sign<br />
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights<br />
I'll pick a star and watch you shine<br />
<br />
Just beam me up,<br />
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it<br />
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face<br />
Beam me up,<br />
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,<br />
I think, a minutes enough,<br />
Beam me up<br />
Beam me up<br />
Beam me up<br />
Could you beam me up.Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-43778044818788242532012-07-27T13:48:00.003-07:002012-07-27T13:48:54.748-07:003 yearsWow. I have felt really good about the grief game this go around. I have felt you near me and feel calm and collected about the place you and I are together. I think of my son daily. I have little thoughts and feelings and I know you are watching and guarding our family as well as doing the other things you have been assigned. I have been asked recently what do I know about my Joshua. Well I know he is obedient to a fault. I know he wanted to come to earth and wanted to be part of our family. I know he has a calm, big presence. I know he adores his family brothers, sisters and parents. Our extended family talks of his presence also. <br />
<br />
Joshua dear the grief is palatable today. I feel the terrifying feeling of letting you down and not protecting you from the danger that took your life. I feel so inadequate lost and even betrayed by my body. The pain is raw today and probably will be as we go through your angel day tomorrow. Know that your mommy loves you. You just get to have heaven before I do. I have learned so much from your brief visit in my life. Love you forever, like you for always. As long as I am living my baby you will be.<br />
<br />
LOVE forever, MomOur Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-75141129300846920892012-05-28T21:08:00.000-07:002012-05-28T21:08:01.574-07:00Memorial DayMemorial Day:<br />
The day that used to be a day off to get the summer started. A day to honor vets and others who were very old and then died. I never thought it would be me needing to place flowers on my child's grave. My children who were with me today commented on the age of some of the people. 15,18,26,85 etc... Derrek and I both said NO one should have to bury a child. No matter the age they are Children are supposed to die after their parents. <br />
<br />
Also I have noticed the gentle pull of the 'grief" starting to make it's way onto center stage. I am much more aware of my faults and my short comings. I look at Joshua's short life and analyze again what I could have/should have done different. I also count the blessing of having my four other children in my life. SO grateful for their spirits and joy. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-68211702735463869382012-04-18T16:11:00.001-07:002012-04-18T17:09:05.916-07:00LossesI have a lady I known for a long time. She recently lost her 21 year old brother just after his return from his mission from a seizure . As I was reading his obituary I was shocked to see the parents had lost two girls ages 4, and 5 years earlier also. My heart hurt for these beautiful parents. I do not know them at all but three children buried and gone before them. OUCH. The lady in my neighborhood also had an infant son die at birth. Heartbreaking on all accounts. The grief and pain is only bearable I am sure by the knowledge they will see them again someday. At this Easter season I am grateful for a Savior who is mighty to save and to succor his people in their darkest of hours. My He bless everyone who grieves for the loved ones in their lives.Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-25130125544738383922011-12-05T21:34:00.000-08:002011-12-05T21:35:36.739-08:00New Baby loss song"Gone to Soon" Daughtry"Gone to Soon"<br />
Today could've been the day<br />
That you blow out your candles<br />
Make a wish as you close your eyes<br />
Today could've been the day<br />
Everybody was laughin'<br />
Instead I just sit here and cry<br />
<br />
Who would you be?<br />
What would you look like<br />
When you looked at me for the very first time<br />
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life<br />
<br />
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you<br />
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose<br />
Such a ray of light we never knew<br />
Gone too soon, yeah<br />
<br />
Would you have been president?<br />
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother<br />
One thing is evident<br />
Would've give all I had<br />
Would've loved you like no other<br />
<br />
Who would you be?<br />
What would you look like<br />
Would you have my smile and her eyes?<br />
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life<br />
<br />
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you<br />
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose<br />
Such a ray of light we never knew<br />
Gone too soon, yeah<br />
<br />
Not a day goes by, oh<br />
I'm always asking why, oh<br />
<br />
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you<br />
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose<br />
Such a beautiful life we never knew<br />
Gone too soon<br />
You were gone too soon, yeah<br />
<br />
And not a day goes by <br />
That I don't think of you--<br />
<br />
<br />
To true these words......Love you Joshua Derrek-- Our beautiful Angel Boy... Keep doing what you are supposed to. Love you dear MommyOur Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-1669331162850111642011-08-15T06:36:00.000-07:002011-08-15T06:36:00.857-07:00For BrittanieBrittanie-- Ever since I read your full story of your sweet Cora Rei. I have wanted to do this for you. Time and life have prevented it. I truly wanted this to be a present for her 5th birthday ... Here is a few of the pictures my family and I took while hiking above Jenny Lake in Teton National Park. Hope you love it. You have helped me a ton. I appreciate your words that speak what my heart feels that I have not been able to express. Kappy<br />
<br />
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Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-19132644773279156942011-07-27T17:35:00.000-07:002011-07-27T17:35:31.375-07:00Two YearsTwo years ago today I found out my baby boy was no longer alive. Never has my heart been turned upside down. Today I hold my sweet little baby boy who has been a gift for the past 3 1/2 months. I look back on all the things I have learned. Truly we all have a plan. I am grateful for the need to have a savior and to have "met" beautiful women whose words have strengthened me and said the phrases of my heart. As much as I would love to have a two year old bopping around our home I know he is doing his job and that I must do mine as well. <br />
Joshua dear. I love you. You are forever instilled in my heart. You are a wonderful son. I appreciate the chance to be your mother. Till we meet again.... MomOur Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-15066322363154785262011-06-25T02:58:00.000-07:002011-06-25T02:58:50.232-07:00Grief GameIt is interesting to me to find myself being bombarded with the grief feelings again as we enter into the summer. The grief finds itself at center stage in my life where for the past few months it definitely has been in the corner playing just a small simple background melody. As the anniversary of Joshua' s death approaches the loudness of the sadness comes forward in my brain. It is not as painful this time around but it brings a shadow to some of my days. Joshua dear, I do know you are doing the plan that was set forth for you. I am glad to be your mom. Thank you for visiting as the grief comes and goes. Thank you for letting me know your desire to be in our family. We will continue to do our best as a family with our plan laid out for us. We love you so dearly. Mom<br />
<br />
Love<a href="http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2006/Feb-26-Sun-2006/living/5987837.html"> this article:</a> Explains the grief game so well.Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-45967700876669072732011-06-07T17:49:00.000-07:002011-06-07T17:49:41.705-07:00Two monthsSee new post<a href="http://dnkwilliams.blogspot.com/"> two months</a>Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-84180123092861225942011-05-09T11:33:00.000-07:002011-05-09T11:33:46.511-07:00keeping upI am struggling to keep up with two blogs. Joshua is a big brother. We came so close to losing his little brother with a full knot in his cord. I will be posting on our family blog found <a href="http://dnkwilliams.blogspot.com/">here</a>. Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-74136501487317837282011-04-03T03:32:00.000-07:002011-04-03T03:32:27.551-07:00I will Carry youJoshua Derrek, <br />
OH how much I love you little one. Memories of carrying you have been mixing with the new memories of your little brother. I need to get a few experiences down. I know for sure you have a job you are assigned to do. When I was pregnant with you I felt your spirit come and go. I knew you were doing an important job. You would be with me so fleetingly. You would come and go. I am grateful to have had the remembrance of those moments you came. I know one of your jobs is as a guardian angel. I do not know if you are directly assigned but I know you help some of your young cousins who speak of you often. It touches my heart to know you offer peace to them and to your siblings and family. Your little brother will be here in two days. I am so very very scared. I will forever carry your memory in my heart and soul. I have learned much about myself and our savior. In the words of the song "far beyond the empty cradle through the coming years. I will carry you. I will praise the one whose chosen me to carry you." Your birth day was the most spiritual experience of my life. I am worried about the new phase with a new baby and possibly forgetting you. However, I know you will forever be connected to my heart. We as a family love you so much. Our family is working very hard to do what we need to in order to be together forever. Keep being obedient, as I know you are. WE love you and want you to know you can never be replaced. Our motto: <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> "God's will is what we would choose if we had all the facts"</span></span><br />
<br />
MomOur Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-86275825472645262952011-03-25T15:19:00.000-07:002011-03-25T15:19:05.649-07:0014/15 days and countingWe are so excited, nervous, scared, terrified, and thrilled for the next few weeks. Our new little boy will be here either on the 8th or 9th depending on how fast he decides to come. I have been going for NST's since I was 32 weeks. and then twice a week since 34 weeks. My doctor is a sweetheart. He is trying to keep me grounded and mentally sane. For the most part it is working. I have had moments of panic and moments where I remember my time with my Joshua and tear up but I am so hopeful for our new son's arrival in safety and peace. He is very wiggly and squirmy and I love him for it. We are also taking time for individual dates with each child. They come to the doctors with us and then we take them out to dinner and to do an activity just for them. We went to the bookstore, Mc Donalds and the pet store with Rachel. Jacob went shopping for a gift for baby, to Texas Roadhouse and the arcade. Shelby and I are getting Manicures and Pedicures and then going out to eat. It has been good to spend special time with each of them. I am the most blessed person in the whole world. I often wish I could do something to show Joshua that his presence is felt and that he has a spot in my heart and in our family. Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-26288257003531266452011-03-06T01:14:00.000-08:002011-03-06T01:26:54.700-08:00TodayThis pregnancy has been a unique experience. I have had many good experiences and some not so good. I am taking Lovenox shots for blood clots. I have bruises all over my huge stomach. I have been so grateful for insurance to cover the ridiculous price of medicine. This week I have missed my Joshua more and more than I have for a long time. I have been very exhausted for some reason and I definitely was sleepy the whole 13 weeks I knew Joshua was coming. I have longed to touch and hold him again. I have tried to find something small I could do for him but he is where he is supposed to be and I am doing what I am supposed to so I just miss him. More and more as this baby comes closer to delivery I am missing what I thought was to be with Joshua. I have an incredible amount of guilt as I feel I have not bonded with this baby as I have with the other four. I am so excited to meet him and see his sweet person I just have not been able to let my fears subside. Every appointment and NST should bring a peace and happiness but they just are another box to check on the way to delivery day. One thing I am grateful for is this baby's squirminess. He is by far my most easily felt baby. I just have to think I haven't felt you move for a little while and he kicks kicks kicks to let me know he is safe. Very comforting. Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-69634808811076683632011-02-01T17:23:00.000-08:002011-02-01T17:23:14.335-08:00Faces of Hope/Faces of Loss<span style="font-size: small;">Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">This has been on the fore front of my mind as I enter the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy with our new baby. and just got put on modified bed rest because of blood clots. Our family had many great things happen for us but the ones that stand out the most.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">1. My daughter's best friend invited her to come play. She did not know anything had happened and her mom had just felt like she needed to stay home that day from work and they needed my 11 year old to come play. My mom was home with my kids and the mom of her friend called to find out why my sweetie was struggling and my mom told her. She spent the rest of the day doing Shelby's hair, nails, toes etc... with her daughter of course. She did what I could not. Shelby was absolutely beautiful and she felt that way when she came and held her baby brother. I appreciate to this day her kindness and listening to the prompting to stay home from work and help my baby. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">2. My sweet husband's work sent us flowers at the hospital. They had a beautiful bird in a birdhouse and the flowers were so beautiful. They gave me something to focus on through the delivery and pain of leaving the hospital empty. I knew my husband had a good support system. Many men do not have that but he did and I was grateful. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">3. My in-laws had flowers in our room at home along with a precious moments angel boy to go with the rest of our family pieces.. It was beautiful still is. They are so good to me. They all came to the small grave side service we had. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">4. My brothers and sister and spouses,They were all at the grave side service and they presented us with this picture. I love it. I often think of my sweet son with my Savior. Maybe walking together . It is beautiful</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZAfVuHayAp4BUYgCz5oGAtG67YFg8BA5vdwlxvTsftRIZp2T8ZJ3NHXyA1QOCYHpWrUHFH5P0lJ_qbHkSziJ0PlvMRcZgcSqCo_d0mcs2BB8NnxOScd0hELU-HaNOKfiNc4LCrF1uAgs/s400/large+TAKE+MY+HAND.jpg" width="400" /> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">5. My neighbors and friends tried to think of things to do for us, They tried their best and at the time I was grateful but nothing really helped me but the retrospect and thinking it did help and I appreciated their thoughtfulness. The reason it did not help me was my own not theirs. I hate to be the center of attention. But oh how I needed them. Flowers, calling the kids to play, kind notes, dinner, beautiful pictures of Christ, encouraging words, the hugs, free haircuts for me and the kids, you name it our family was enveloped in the arms of love and kindness. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">6. Prayers of others. I know for sure these helped in the darkest moments of the nights to follow.</div>Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-88622665579862660232011-01-11T15:33:00.000-08:002011-01-11T15:33:18.623-08:00Til KIngdom ComeMy children all have songs that have meaning to me around the time they are born. I usually do not choose a song for them until my maternity leave is over. However this little one's song seems to have been chosen before. It is "til Kingdom Come" by Coldplay. For you I'll wait till kingdom comes has so many different meanings to me. It is beautiful and lyrical and I love the music besides the words. 13-15 more weeks to wait to see this little ones face and feel him. Here are the lyrics for me really<br />
<br />
<b>"Til Kingdom Come"</b><br />
<br />
Steal my heart and hold my tongue.<br />
I feel my time, my time has come.<br />
Let me in, unlock the door.<br />
I've never felt this way before.<br />
<br />
The wheels just keep on turning,<br />
The drummer begins to drum,<br />
I don't know which way I'm going,<br />
I don't know which way I've come.<br />
<br />
Hold my head inside your hands,<br />
I need someone who understands.<br />
I need someone, someone who hears,<br />
For you, I've waited all these years.<br />
<br />
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.<br />
Until my day, my day is done.<br />
And say you'll come, and set me free,<br />
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.<br />
<br />
<b>In your tears and in your blood,<br />
In your fire and in your flood,<br />
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,<br />
"I wouldn't change a single thing."</b>--<br />
(Looking forward to hearing my baby boy laugh, sing, cry, and breathe)<br />
<br />
The wheels just keep on turning,<br />
The drummers begin to drum,<br />
I don't know which way I'm going,<br />
I don't know what I've become.<br />
<br />
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,<br />
Until my days, my days are done.<br />
Say you'll come and set me free,<br />
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.<br />
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.<br />
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-72571582146408764922010-12-22T15:59:00.000-08:002010-12-22T15:59:54.652-08:00Christmas and NightmaresI am 22 weeks pregnant today. I truly feel like they have been the most stressful, hopeful days of my life. I usually have crazy nightmares when I am pregnant but they are out of control now. I wake up in a panic. So grateful for the Doppler and a wiggly baby. I am emotionally weary. We have 18 weeks --really 16 because I will be induced early. My children are nervous also. Their prayers and talk are cautiously hopeful. I feel as though their innocence has been removed. The do not talk about when this baby comes they always say if we get to keep our baby...I am sad to see thier hesitance to be excited, but oh do I understand. My sister told me I was being unkind to this baby by not being overly excited about the pregnancy. Oh I am excited. I just know that just being pregnant does not guarantee a baby at the end. I am after all at 50% of my pregnancies with live babies. 3 alive, 3 miscarriages, and 1 stillborn. Not really good odds. But better than some others. Have our major ultrasound on the 3rd. Part of me hopes for peace after but I know it will not come fully until I have our little boy in our arms.<br />
<br />
Christmas:<br />
What a great time of year- I love it. I so miss my little Joshua. More and more as this baby is almost as big as I was when we found out we were expecting our little perfect boy(23 weeks). His spot on our tree is so peaceful and it brings me joy. My husband and I put his ornaments on together and cried and cried. We purchased gifts for another 1 year old again this year. I like this it is healing to a degree. I am a gift giver. I love to give gifts so it was fun to choose just the right thing for a little boy. I hope their families cherish the gifts. So grateful for the baby we celebrate at this beautiful season. His Peace, his grace, and his resurrected life bring me hope and peace that all will be OK.<br />
<br />
Enough of my rambling. My mind is flowing around so many places. Love my boy.Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-32282072863256256272010-10-29T15:31:00.000-07:002010-10-29T15:31:51.507-07:00a miracle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR_dkBv-w5oQy5coz62DP115HJ4QkWy1V2FMw74H5QJHdZKQLY3VqbSNGxC_6obhggslIgUHhAv9s4QYLrmUHrYMZwpEg_-NYCJyqY2JCGoTfrZKFFribwnzG6W3-t9qSBoJSJERXL-wQ/s1600/new+pumpkin+-+Page+004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR_dkBv-w5oQy5coz62DP115HJ4QkWy1V2FMw74H5QJHdZKQLY3VqbSNGxC_6obhggslIgUHhAv9s4QYLrmUHrYMZwpEg_-NYCJyqY2JCGoTfrZKFFribwnzG6W3-t9qSBoJSJERXL-wQ/s400/new+pumpkin+-+Page+004.jpg" width="400" />.</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> We are so excited to be 14 weeks pregnant. It has been tumultuous and every emotion has been present. I feel blessed to be Joshua's mother and to have another beautiful child coming. We are hoping, praying, and preparing for this blessing. Our doctor has been sent straight from heaven. He has been reassuring, understanding, helpful and kind. We have had three appointments so far and I am feeling quite good about it all. We have a medical grade Doppler to use compliments of our sweet doctor. Miracles happen do not think the time for those has passed. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-31611359157377690012010-10-24T19:25:00.000-07:002010-10-24T19:25:16.269-07:00LessonMy sweet 12 year old daughter had to teach the lesson in Young Woman's (the organization for our church's young girls) today. It is stressful to teach your peers, but she has been preparing for a week and a half. Her topic was on taking care of our bodies. She was doing a great job on her own so I just let her be and offered minimal help and a lot of encouragement and prayers. So this morning as she was sleeping I read through the lesson to make sure she had covered everything she needed to and was prepared. The last part of the lesson was basically if you take care of your body your posterity will be safe and healthy. I started crying immediately. I have done a lot to care for my body all my life. I have never participated in drugs, alcohol(none), smoking anything, etc.... I have tried to exercise and eat correctly. Anyway I asked her what her plan was and she said she was going to skip it because it is not fair or true and she didn't believe it because of our Joshua. It is true that your baby has a better chance if you do those things but definitely it does not ensure healthy happy babies. Some very healthy women have children with challenges, some are not able to have any children, some women have their children die before birth, some have their children die due to tragic accidents. We cannot ensure anything we just have to do our best to do what is best. I don't know if I made sense just wanted to get this down because it bothered me and my daughter and I don't always have answers when my children need them.Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-54316877947285657252010-10-16T16:22:00.000-07:002010-10-16T16:22:50.133-07:00Wave of light and day of rememberanceOctober such a time of year. Everything changing and emerging. I have been reading many blogs since our Joshua left. They have helped me have strength and power to keep moving forward and to look for happy things in my life. There are beautiful women who have beautiful angels that keep watch over us. One particular blog has the message sent from heaven in the title next to the mother's beautiful first born. Every time I go to that page the s looks like a r to me and I thought the phrase was rent from heaven until closer look. I know her intent was sent but As I think of all 4 of my children rent is more appropriate. None of our children are only ours. I believe they also belong to a very loving Heavenly Father (God). He cares deeply for each of them. Though some only stay moments or seconds or come and go and some we get to watch grow and help them on their path. Someone loves them and us as much as we love our angels and desires to have each child return home. This brings me comfort and peace. I remembered and thought of each of the angels I have met through their mothers. I truly wish no one would ever get the news their sweet baby was dead, dying or ill. Thanks for the lights lit by everyone. KappyOur Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-83143786865246719732010-10-06T16:55:00.000-07:002010-10-06T16:55:01.214-07:00PromptedI was talking with a friend today and she told me they took her sisters baby at 35 weeks because she was so worried about her baby and her doctor decided that their were enough reasons to induce and they saved her baby from the placental rupture that had started to occur. <br />
<br />
I have heard so many stories of people being prompted and getting to the hospital just in time to save their babies and all being well. I have wondered why this did not happen for me and my Joshua. I have decided that it was not the way it was to be for him. His plan was to come for such a short moment and then to go. I will not ever know the whys but I know I did my part and my family also. Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1330137408081366499.post-81061187716510727652010-09-16T15:29:00.000-07:002010-09-16T15:29:00.252-07:00AnxietyI am an easy going, extremely laid back person. I strive to be as stress free as I possibly can. Now this is not always perfect but I take things in stride and do not get worked up very easily. I have had a few bouts of panic attacks since Joshua's passing. I am nervous for each of my sister-in-laws right before they deliver. I have been nervous for others.<br />
<br />
I read the post of a friend yesterday, I was a wreck. She talked about low fluid, being put on bed rest, Non Stress Tests etc... She was joking around and sounding like she thought it was all a big joke and she might do those things but really everything was fine. A while ago I would have just laughed it off and maybe would have thought oh I guess I better help etc.. But no I was in serious panic mode. My breathing was heavy. My heart rate quickened I was scared for her. I didn't want to scare her but in the same breath. <br />
<br />
<br />
I want her to know the majority of my peace about Joshua comes from the fact that I did everything I was prompted to do. I did everything my doctor told me to do. I know I did everything I could have. I have had what ifs but I know in my heart I did everything I could. This brings me peace and comfort. Accidents happen sweet little ones leave this earth way before they are supposed to and there is no rhyme or reason to the things that happen. I hope for a great outcome for her. I pray hard for her. I never want anyone to be told their baby's heart isn't beating. I want perfect outcomes for everyone. Our Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13408977434660907267noreply@blogger.com1