Six Months

Joshua has been gone from us for six months.   As I have had time to reflect upon him and his subsequent death, birth and funeral etc..   I have thought about little things I know about my son.   He is extremely obedient.  Every time I would ask him to kick so I knew he was there he did (until the end) Every time I worried if I could handle 4 children I would feel peace.  He was gentle and mild mannered.  He of course moved like crazy which I enjoyed.  I believe he was thinking of me when I was unaware of his pregnancy until 24 weeks.  With two prior miscarriages I am a wreck until I see a heartbeat and the little pumpkin moving around.  It was great not to worry about that with him.  He was healthy happy and a boy everything I dreamed of.  Completing my picture perfect family 2 boys and 2 girls.  Then to have him taken from us.   Some days I still wonder what I missed.  I have always been incredibly sensitive to others needs.  Why did I miss his signs of distress?  I didn't really I scheduled an appointment and I went a week before we were told he died.  I sat on the exam table as the doctor pronounced me and my Joshua healthy and safe.  He is a specialist.  I trust him explicitly. I would not have my miracle Rachel without his expertise.   I saw him(Joshua) on the ultrasound.  He was OK.  The heartbeat was strong and good.  He was just breech.  I can handle that.  Not his plan or mine.  Someday I will know all.  But now.      I walk by faith...