Thursday, September 16, 2010


I am an easy going, extremely laid back person.  I strive to be as stress free as I possibly can.  Now this is not always perfect but I take things in stride and do not get worked up very easily.  I have had a few bouts of panic attacks since Joshua's passing.  I am nervous for each of my sister-in-laws right before they deliver.  I have been nervous for others.

I read the post of a friend yesterday, I was a wreck.  She talked about low fluid, being put on bed rest, Non Stress Tests etc...   She was joking around and sounding like she thought it was all a big joke and she might do those things but really everything was fine.  A while ago I would have just laughed it off and maybe would have thought oh I guess I better help etc..  But no I was in serious panic mode.  My breathing was heavy.  My heart rate quickened I was scared for her.  I didn't want to scare her but in the same breath. 

I want her to know the majority of my peace about Joshua comes from the fact that I did everything I was prompted to do.  I did everything my doctor told me to do.  I know I did everything I could have.  I have had what ifs but I know in my heart I did everything I could. This brings me peace and comfort.  Accidents happen sweet little ones leave this earth way before they are supposed to and there is no rhyme or reason to the things that happen.  I hope for a great outcome for her.  I pray hard for her.  I never want anyone to be told their baby's heart isn't beating.  I want perfect outcomes for everyone.