Til KIngdom Come

My children all have songs that have meaning to me around the time they are born.  I usually do not choose a song for them until my maternity leave is over.  However this little one's song seems to have been chosen before.  It is "til Kingdom Come" by Coldplay.   For you I'll wait till kingdom comes has so many different meanings to me.  It is beautiful and lyrical and I love the music besides the words.   13-15 more weeks to wait to see this little ones face and feel him.   Here are the lyrics for me really

"Til Kingdom Come"

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."--
(Looking forward to hearing my baby boy laugh, sing, cry, and breathe)

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

Christmas and Nightmares

I am 22 weeks pregnant today.   I truly feel like they have been the most stressful, hopeful days of my life.  I usually have crazy nightmares when I am pregnant but they are out of control now.  I wake up in a panic.  So grateful for the Doppler and a wiggly baby.  I am emotionally weary.  We have 18 weeks --really 16 because I will be induced early.  My children are nervous also.  Their prayers and talk are cautiously hopeful.  I feel as though their innocence has been removed. The do not talk about when this baby comes they always say if we get to keep our baby...I am sad to see thier hesitance to be excited, but oh do I understand.  My sister told me I was being unkind to this baby by not being overly excited about the pregnancy.  Oh I am excited.   I just know that just being pregnant does not guarantee a baby at the end.  I am after all at 50% of my pregnancies with live babies.  3 alive, 3 miscarriages, and 1 stillborn.  Not really good odds.   But better than some others.  Have our major ultrasound on the 3rd.  Part of me hopes for peace after but I know it will not come fully until I have our little boy in our arms.

Christmas:
What a great time of year- I love it.  I so miss my little Joshua.  More and more as this baby is almost as big as I was when we found out we were expecting our little perfect boy(23 weeks).  His spot on our tree is so peaceful and it brings me joy.  My husband and I put his ornaments on together and cried and cried.   We purchased gifts for another 1 year old again this year.  I like this it is healing to a degree.  I am a gift giver.  I love to give gifts so it was fun to choose just the right thing for a little boy.  I hope their families cherish the gifts.  So grateful for the baby we celebrate at this beautiful season.  His Peace,  his grace, and his resurrected life bring me hope and peace that all will be OK.

Enough of my rambling.  My mind is flowing around so many places.  Love my boy.

a miracle

.

 We are so excited to be 14 weeks pregnant.  It has been tumultuous and every emotion has been present.  I feel blessed to  be Joshua's mother and to have another beautiful child coming.  We are hoping, praying, and preparing for this blessing.  Our doctor has been sent straight from heaven.  He has been reassuring, understanding, helpful and kind. We have had three appointments so far and I am feeling quite good about it all.  We have a medical grade Doppler to use compliments of our sweet doctor. Miracles happen do not think the time for those has passed.   

Lesson

My sweet 12 year old daughter had to teach the lesson in Young Woman's (the organization for our church's young girls) today.  It is stressful to teach your peers, but she has been preparing for a week and a half.  Her topic was on taking care of our bodies.  She was doing a great job on her own so I just let her be and offered minimal help and a lot of encouragement and prayers.  So this morning as she was sleeping I read through the lesson to make sure she had covered everything she needed to and was prepared.   The last part of the lesson was basically if you take care of your body your posterity will be safe and healthy.  I started crying immediately.  I have done a lot to care for my body all my life.  I have never participated in drugs, alcohol(none), smoking anything, etc....   I have tried to exercise and eat correctly.  Anyway I asked her what her plan was and she said she was going to skip it because it is not fair or true and she didn't believe it because of our Joshua.   It is true that your baby has a better chance if you do those things but definitely it does not ensure healthy happy babies.  Some very healthy women have children with challenges, some are not able to have any children, some women have their children die before birth, some have their children die due to tragic accidents.  We cannot ensure anything we just have to do our best to do what is best.  I don't know if I made sense just wanted to get this down because it bothered me and my daughter and I don't always have answers when my children need them.

Wave of light and day of rememberance

October such a time of year.  Everything changing and emerging.  I have been reading many blogs since our Joshua left.  They have helped me have strength and power to keep moving forward and to look for happy things in my life.  There are beautiful women who have beautiful angels that keep watch over us.  One particular blog has the message sent from heaven in the title next to the mother's beautiful first born.  Every time I go to that page the s looks like a r to me and I thought the phrase was rent from heaven until closer look.  I know her intent was sent but As I think of all 4 of my children rent is more appropriate.  None of our children are only ours.  I believe they also belong to a very loving Heavenly Father (God).  He cares deeply for each of them.  Though some only stay moments or seconds or come and go and some we get to watch grow and help them on their path.  Someone loves them and us as much as we love our angels and desires to have each child return home.  This brings me comfort and peace.    I remembered and thought of each of the angels I have met through their mothers.  I truly wish no one would ever get the news their sweet baby was dead, dying or ill.  Thanks for the lights lit by everyone.  Kappy

Prompted

I was talking with a friend today and she told me they took her sisters baby at 35 weeks because she was so worried about her baby and her doctor decided that their were enough reasons to induce and they saved her baby from the placental rupture that had started to occur. 

I have heard so many stories of people being prompted and getting to the hospital just in time to save their babies and all being well.  I have wondered why this did not happen for me and my Joshua.  I have decided that it was not the way it was to be for him.  His plan was to come for such a short moment and then to go.  I will not ever know the whys but I know I did my part and my family also. 

Anxiety

I am an easy going, extremely laid back person.  I strive to be as stress free as I possibly can.  Now this is not always perfect but I take things in stride and do not get worked up very easily.  I have had a few bouts of panic attacks since Joshua's passing.  I am nervous for each of my sister-in-laws right before they deliver.  I have been nervous for others.

I read the post of a friend yesterday, I was a wreck.  She talked about low fluid, being put on bed rest, Non Stress Tests etc...   She was joking around and sounding like she thought it was all a big joke and she might do those things but really everything was fine.  A while ago I would have just laughed it off and maybe would have thought oh I guess I better help etc..  But no I was in serious panic mode.  My breathing was heavy.  My heart rate quickened I was scared for her.  I didn't want to scare her but in the same breath. 


I want her to know the majority of my peace about Joshua comes from the fact that I did everything I was prompted to do.  I did everything my doctor told me to do.  I know I did everything I could have.  I have had what ifs but I know in my heart I did everything I could. This brings me peace and comfort.  Accidents happen sweet little ones leave this earth way before they are supposed to and there is no rhyme or reason to the things that happen.  I hope for a great outcome for her.  I pray hard for her.  I never want anyone to be told their baby's heart isn't beating.  I want perfect outcomes for everyone.