Today

This pregnancy has been a unique experience.  I have had many good experiences and some not so good.  I am taking Lovenox shots for blood clots.  I have bruises all over my huge stomach.  I have been so grateful for insurance to cover the ridiculous price of medicine.  This week I have missed my Joshua more and more than I have for a long time.  I have been very exhausted for some reason and I definitely was sleepy the whole 13 weeks I knew Joshua was coming.    I have longed to touch and hold him again.  I have tried to find something small I could do for him but he is where he is supposed to be and I am doing what I am supposed to so I just miss him.  More and more as this baby comes closer to delivery I am missing what I thought was to be with Joshua. I have an incredible amount of guilt as I feel I have not bonded with this baby as I have with the other four.  I am so excited to meet him and see his sweet person I just have not been able to let my fears subside.  Every appointment and NST should bring a peace and happiness but they just are another box to check on the way to delivery day.  One thing I am grateful for is this baby's squirminess.  He is by far my most easily felt baby.  I just have to think I haven't felt you move for a little while and he kicks kicks kicks to let me know he is safe.  Very comforting.