Primary teachers

Tonight I went to a training for teachers and leaders of Primary (church class for children 3-12).  One of the speakers shared the experience of a leader taking care of her  and teaching her about the plan of salvation when she was so devastated by the death of her sweet little sister.  Here a grown woman recalling with complete clarity the pain of her baby sister not coming home from the hospital, her funeral, and the kind hopeful words spoken to her by kind woman who was her primary teacher.  I know my children had this experience and I am grateful to good people who love my children and helped them through our sweet Joshua's birth and death.  Truly you do not get over the death of a child/sister/loved one/brother.  You just learn to hope for the future with them in heaven.

Beam Me up Pink


There's a whole n'other conversation going on
In a parralell universe
Where nothig breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

3 years

Wow.  I have felt really good about the grief game this go around.  I have felt you near me and feel calm and collected about the place you and I are together.  I think of my son daily.  I have little thoughts and feelings and I know you are watching and guarding our family as well as doing the other things you have been assigned.  I have been asked recently what do I know about my Joshua.  Well I know he is obedient to a fault.  I know he wanted to come to earth and wanted to be part of our family.  I know he has a calm, big presence.  I know he adores his family brothers, sisters and parents.  Our extended family talks of his presence also. 

Joshua dear the grief is palatable today.  I feel the terrifying feeling of letting you down and not protecting you from the danger that took your life.  I feel so inadequate  lost and even betrayed by my body.  The pain is raw today and probably will be as we go through your angel day tomorrow.  Know that your mommy loves you. You just get to have heaven before I do.  I have learned so much from your brief visit in my life.  Love you forever, like you for always.  As long as I am living my baby you will be.

LOVE forever, Mom

Memorial Day

Memorial Day:
The day that used to be a day off to get the summer started.  A day to honor vets and others who were very old and then died.  I never thought it would be me needing to place flowers on my child's grave.  My children who were with me today commented on the age of some of the people.  15,18,26,85 etc... Derrek and I both said NO one should have to bury a child.  No matter the age they are Children are supposed to die after their parents. 

Also I have noticed the gentle pull of the 'grief" starting to make it's way onto center stage.  I am much more aware of my faults and my short comings.  I look at Joshua's short life and analyze again what I could have/should have done different.   I also count the blessing of having my four other children in my life.  SO grateful for their spirits and joy.

Losses

I have a lady I known for a long time.  She recently lost her 21 year old brother just after his return from his mission from a seizure .  As I was reading his obituary I was shocked to see the parents had lost two girls ages 4, and 5  years earlier also.  My heart hurt for these beautiful parents.  I do not know them at all but three children buried and gone before them.  OUCH.  The lady in my neighborhood also had an infant son die at birth.  Heartbreaking on all accounts.  The grief and pain is only bearable I am sure by the knowledge they will see them again someday. At this Easter season I am grateful for a Savior who is mighty to save and to succor his people in their darkest of hours.    My He bless everyone who grieves for the loved ones in their lives.