New Baby loss song"Gone to Soon" Daughtry

"Gone to Soon"
Today could've been the day
That you blow out your candles
Make a wish as you close your eyes
Today could've been the day
Everybody was laughin'
Instead I just sit here and cry

Who would you be?
What would you look like
When you looked at me for the very first time
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Would you have been president?
Or a painter, a author or sing like your mother
One thing is evident
Would've give all I had
Would've loved you like no other

Who would you be?
What would you look like
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could've been the next day of the rest of your life

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a ray of light we never knew
Gone too soon, yeah

Not a day goes by, oh
I'm always asking why, oh

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose
Such a beautiful life we never knew
Gone too soon
You were gone too soon, yeah

And not a day goes by
That I don't think of you--


To true these words......Love you Joshua Derrek-- Our beautiful Angel Boy...  Keep doing what you are supposed to. Love you dear  Mommy

For Brittanie

Brittanie--  Ever since I read your full story of your sweet Cora Rei.  I have wanted to do this for you.  Time and life have prevented it.  I truly wanted this to be a present for her 5th birthday ...  Here is a few of the pictures my family and I took while hiking above Jenny Lake in Teton National Park.  Hope you love it.  You have helped me a ton.  I appreciate your words that speak what my heart feels that I have not been able to express.  Kappy

Two Years

Two years ago today I found out my baby boy was no longer alive.  Never has my heart been turned upside down.  Today I hold my sweet little baby boy who has been a gift for the past 3 1/2 months.  I look back on all the things I have learned.  Truly we all have a plan. I am grateful for the need to have a savior and to have "met" beautiful women whose words have strengthened me and said the phrases of my heart.  As much as I would love to have a two year old bopping around our home I know he is doing his job and that I must do mine as well. 
Joshua dear.  I love you.  You are forever instilled in my heart.  You are a wonderful son.  I appreciate the chance to  be your mother.  Till we meet again.... Mom

Grief Game

It is interesting to me to find myself being bombarded with the grief feelings again as we enter into the summer.  The grief finds itself at center stage in my life where for the past few months it definitely has been in the corner playing just a small simple background melody.  As the anniversary of Joshua' s death approaches the loudness of the sadness comes forward in my brain.  It is not as painful this time around but it brings a shadow to some of my days.  Joshua dear, I do know you are doing the plan that was set forth for you.  I am glad to be your mom. Thank you for visiting as the grief comes and goes.  Thank you for letting me know your desire to be in our family.  We will continue to do our best as a family with our plan laid out for us.  We love you so dearly.  Mom

Love this article:  Explains the grief game so well.

Two months

See new post two months

keeping up

I am struggling to keep up with two blogs.   Joshua is a big brother.  We came so close to losing his little brother with a full knot in his cord.  I will be posting on our family blog found here. 

I will Carry you

Joshua Derrek,  
OH how much I love you little one.  Memories of carrying you have been mixing with the new memories of your little brother.  I need to get a few experiences down.   I know for sure you have a job you are assigned to do.  When I was pregnant with you I felt your spirit come and go.  I knew you were doing an important job.  You would be with me so fleetingly.  You would come and go.  I am grateful to have had the remembrance of those moments you came.  I know one of your jobs is as a guardian angel.  I do not know if you are directly assigned but I know you help some of your young cousins who speak of you often.  It touches my heart to know you offer peace to them and to your siblings and family.  Your little brother will be here in two days.  I am so very very scared.  I will forever carry your memory in my heart and soul.  I have learned much about myself and our savior.  In the words of the song "far beyond the empty cradle through the coming years. I will carry you.  I will praise the one whose chosen me to carry you."  Your birth day was the most spiritual experience of my life.  I am worried about the new phase with a new baby and possibly forgetting you. However, I know you will forever be connected to my heart.  We as a family love you so much. Our family is working very hard to do what we need to in order to be together forever.  Keep being obedient, as I know you are.  WE love you and want you to know you can never be replaced. Our motto:   "God's will is what we would choose if we had all the facts"

Mom