a miracle

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 We are so excited to be 14 weeks pregnant.  It has been tumultuous and every emotion has been present.  I feel blessed to  be Joshua's mother and to have another beautiful child coming.  We are hoping, praying, and preparing for this blessing.  Our doctor has been sent straight from heaven.  He has been reassuring, understanding, helpful and kind. We have had three appointments so far and I am feeling quite good about it all.  We have a medical grade Doppler to use compliments of our sweet doctor. Miracles happen do not think the time for those has passed.   

Lesson

My sweet 12 year old daughter had to teach the lesson in Young Woman's (the organization for our church's young girls) today.  It is stressful to teach your peers, but she has been preparing for a week and a half.  Her topic was on taking care of our bodies.  She was doing a great job on her own so I just let her be and offered minimal help and a lot of encouragement and prayers.  So this morning as she was sleeping I read through the lesson to make sure she had covered everything she needed to and was prepared.   The last part of the lesson was basically if you take care of your body your posterity will be safe and healthy.  I started crying immediately.  I have done a lot to care for my body all my life.  I have never participated in drugs, alcohol(none), smoking anything, etc....   I have tried to exercise and eat correctly.  Anyway I asked her what her plan was and she said she was going to skip it because it is not fair or true and she didn't believe it because of our Joshua.   It is true that your baby has a better chance if you do those things but definitely it does not ensure healthy happy babies.  Some very healthy women have children with challenges, some are not able to have any children, some women have their children die before birth, some have their children die due to tragic accidents.  We cannot ensure anything we just have to do our best to do what is best.  I don't know if I made sense just wanted to get this down because it bothered me and my daughter and I don't always have answers when my children need them.

Wave of light and day of rememberance

October such a time of year.  Everything changing and emerging.  I have been reading many blogs since our Joshua left.  They have helped me have strength and power to keep moving forward and to look for happy things in my life.  There are beautiful women who have beautiful angels that keep watch over us.  One particular blog has the message sent from heaven in the title next to the mother's beautiful first born.  Every time I go to that page the s looks like a r to me and I thought the phrase was rent from heaven until closer look.  I know her intent was sent but As I think of all 4 of my children rent is more appropriate.  None of our children are only ours.  I believe they also belong to a very loving Heavenly Father (God).  He cares deeply for each of them.  Though some only stay moments or seconds or come and go and some we get to watch grow and help them on their path.  Someone loves them and us as much as we love our angels and desires to have each child return home.  This brings me comfort and peace.    I remembered and thought of each of the angels I have met through their mothers.  I truly wish no one would ever get the news their sweet baby was dead, dying or ill.  Thanks for the lights lit by everyone.  Kappy

Prompted

I was talking with a friend today and she told me they took her sisters baby at 35 weeks because she was so worried about her baby and her doctor decided that their were enough reasons to induce and they saved her baby from the placental rupture that had started to occur. 

I have heard so many stories of people being prompted and getting to the hospital just in time to save their babies and all being well.  I have wondered why this did not happen for me and my Joshua.  I have decided that it was not the way it was to be for him.  His plan was to come for such a short moment and then to go.  I will not ever know the whys but I know I did my part and my family also. 

Anxiety

I am an easy going, extremely laid back person.  I strive to be as stress free as I possibly can.  Now this is not always perfect but I take things in stride and do not get worked up very easily.  I have had a few bouts of panic attacks since Joshua's passing.  I am nervous for each of my sister-in-laws right before they deliver.  I have been nervous for others.

I read the post of a friend yesterday, I was a wreck.  She talked about low fluid, being put on bed rest, Non Stress Tests etc...   She was joking around and sounding like she thought it was all a big joke and she might do those things but really everything was fine.  A while ago I would have just laughed it off and maybe would have thought oh I guess I better help etc..  But no I was in serious panic mode.  My breathing was heavy.  My heart rate quickened I was scared for her.  I didn't want to scare her but in the same breath. 


I want her to know the majority of my peace about Joshua comes from the fact that I did everything I was prompted to do.  I did everything my doctor told me to do.  I know I did everything I could have.  I have had what ifs but I know in my heart I did everything I could. This brings me peace and comfort.  Accidents happen sweet little ones leave this earth way before they are supposed to and there is no rhyme or reason to the things that happen.  I hope for a great outcome for her.  I pray hard for her.  I never want anyone to be told their baby's heart isn't beating.  I want perfect outcomes for everyone. 

Today

Today I am grateful for family and the wonderful blog world I have leaned on since the loss of my son.  I have never been good at expressing myself in words and so I read others words and find my feelings and my thoughts expressed so eloquently by others.  I find my feelings are in the normal realm as I read others.  There are a few women who have taught me much about life, loss, grief, and joy.  There are very few people who read this blog or comment ever but I write it for me.  I am going to post a few pictures from Joshua's happy day.  IT was happy we had a great first birthday.

Rachel's first R she has ever written.  I thought it was appropriate for her baby brother Joshua!

We started with a balloon release on Sunday with our families and my  husband so he could participate as he was hiking with the scouts on Joshua birthday:

We then went to eat at a drive in because I craved Fresh Strawberry/banana shakes when I was pregnant with Joshua.  (the only child I have had cravings with).  This was the first time I have had sugar in 6 months and it tasted great!

 

We hatched butterflies for three weeks before his birthday and had so much fun with their habitat and taking care of them.  It was fun and sad to release them for Joshua.  As you can see my 3 year old was fascinated with them.  They are beautiful and so much fun during such a difficult time for me.  The night we released them was beautiful and the sunset was so pink and purple and blue.  We had a great night meeting Derrek at the same time on his hike.  

My lamb filled with flowers and a one for my son.

Finally I took some shots with Joshua's hand and foot molds with a picture of the Savior.  The only place where true peace and happiness comes.

Happy Birthday Joshua

Happy Angel Birthday Sweet Son.  Miss you every day.  Love you forever, like you for always.  My baby you will always be.  God be with you till we meet again.  Love always, Mommy