9 months

A year ago this week I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Joshua.  I have never been so shocked by any news in my life.  I flew to Arizona with this secret in my heart.  I spent the weekend with family and loved every minute of thinking of my sweet baby growing.  I knew the baby was big because I felt him moving moving all over the place.   Little did I know I would be 24 weeks along with a beautiful boy.  What a miracle for a girl who wasn't supposed to have any more children.  What a tragedy that he would be whisked from our arms to heavens door.    He is still part of our family I adore him and miss him being a part of me.  I would love to have him here today, but as I tell my son often  "it was not his plan". 

I have painful arms today.  I have longed for another baby for a while and even more so when I lost Joshua but  today my arms ache with the loss of my darling son.  Maybe another miracle can happen.  I do not know.  One can only hope and pray for a great miracle.  It truly would be miraculous.  Like I have always said.  "I believe in miracles I have seen them happen before.  Maybe it is our families turn for a miracle. 

Easter

Time definitely marches on.  It has been 8 months since I held my Joshua.  Easter was very meaningful this year.  It usually is.  The resurrection is such an amazing part of Christ's life and even better the atonement where Christ suffered for all of us.  All our grief and pain and sin.  I am so grateful to have Him as my friend. 

I attended an Easter play entitled Jesus the Christ.  This was put on by local people (my sister and niece were in it)  It depicted scenes from Christs death to his accent into heaven.  Most of the script was taken from the New Testament.  At one particular part they had children and people in white as angels being risen from the dead and the children ran to their parents arms.  All I could think of was my Joshua and how glorious that will be when I can visit with him and get to know him more than I all ready do.     I cried through the whole play.  Sobbed some of it.  My sweet older son just held my hand.  What a good boy!

He is some of the reasons for my tears.  He prays and has prayed for years for a brother.  In his innocence when we told him we were having our three year old he said "I'm the baby we don't need another one, but if it is a boy it will be OK"

  NOT a Boy our sweet Rachel came.

Then to have Joshua gone.  And other events in our life have been very difficult on him.  He has so much faith.  I should have more faith.  He is so strong.  So this tells me either I need to try for another child or find a son who needs a home.  Both are hard.  I just tried to call my OBGYN who I really respect and it was painful.  I felt sheepish and scared all over again.   All the pain of my last visit there with Joshua came back.  OUCH.

Here is a beautiful egg one of the baby loss mothers made, I do not think it was for me but seeing my son's name with a live beautiful chick made me happy. I have found much peace in the blogs of others.  I sometimes wish I knew some of them personally.  I would like to have a friend who understood.  The people who know me think of me as a strong person that nothing phases. If only they knew but I guess I really don't want them to.  I like to be happy Kappy it is always who I have been.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

The first lines of this song entered my heart and I cried and cried today.  I just read a post on a friends blog about bad things happening to good people.   We have had a rough 7 months.  We lost our son then out of the blue we had hope for a possible family adoption.  This hope has carried us through the past loss of our baby boy though the child would not replace we could have someone who needed love and adoration we could provide.  We were not chosen as the adoptive family.   This whole week the quote "God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts" has been echoing in my brain.  

Today during church we sang the hymn  Be still my soul.   As we were singing the third verse which talks of the after life where "disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,"and today it gave me hope.  Hope for understanding and peace in my heart.  Bad things happen to good people to teach them to rely on our Savior, Jesus Christ who bore all things.  None of us are good enough, strong enough or talented enough to make it to heaven on our own.  We need our Savior, Redeemer and friend to help us. 

Be Still, My Soul

Peacefully

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697; trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813–1897

Music: Jean Sibelius, 1865–1957.

Six Months

Joshua has been gone from us for six months.   As I have had time to reflect upon him and his subsequent death, birth and funeral etc..   I have thought about little things I know about my son.   He is extremely obedient.  Every time I would ask him to kick so I knew he was there he did (until the end) Every time I worried if I could handle 4 children I would feel peace.  He was gentle and mild mannered.  He of course moved like crazy which I enjoyed.  I believe he was thinking of me when I was unaware of his pregnancy until 24 weeks.  With two prior miscarriages I am a wreck until I see a heartbeat and the little pumpkin moving around.  It was great not to worry about that with him.  He was healthy happy and a boy everything I dreamed of.  Completing my picture perfect family 2 boys and 2 girls.  Then to have him taken from us.   Some days I still wonder what I missed.  I have always been incredibly sensitive to others needs.  Why did I miss his signs of distress?  I didn't really I scheduled an appointment and I went a week before we were told he died.  I sat on the exam table as the doctor pronounced me and my Joshua healthy and safe.  He is a specialist.  I trust him explicitly. I would not have my miracle Rachel without his expertise.   I saw him(Joshua) on the ultrasound.  He was OK.  The heartbeat was strong and good.  He was just breech.  I can handle that.  Not his plan or mine.  Someday I will know all.  But now.      I walk by faith...

A Mother's Heart

I recieved this poem from a dear friend after the dealth of my sweet Joshua. 

A Mother's Heart

A mother sheds a silent tear for her precious son.

She bows her head in quiet prayer Thy will, not mine be done.

Her little child a perfect soul left God's Heavenly Throne.

He came to earth but could not stay His Father called him home.

His time was short, his mission done. He came and left his love

Footprints in her heart he placed. In peace he dwells above.

With empty arms, and tender heart she walks with faith, not fear.

She feels God's love surrounding her and knows He's always near.

Wrapped in the cloak of Heavenly Peace the comfprter provides,

She finds the strength to carry on, God's angels by her side.

Again she sheds a silent tear for her Angel Son,

Then bows her head and humbly prays, Thy will Dear God be done.

Marilyn Linford, 2009

Messages

Last Sunday in church a the new young women and young men's theme for this year jumped out off the page at the front of the room.  The first thing that caught my eye was that it is in the book of Joshua.  This book has brought special meaning into my life lately.  I know I have read it before but I did not realize the great miracles and words that are in the book.   Seeing his name brings happiness and joy to my heart.  I then read the message and it was just what I need right now to keep my chin up and my spirits happy.  It reads as follows:

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest"     Joshua 1   Good words for everyone especially for me.

Christmas the after math

We had a wonderful Christmas. We were able to enjoy each other and have a great day. I could feel my sweet Joshua with us for most of the day. At least when we were in our home. As we traveled around to my in-laws and others he was gone. But it was nice to have a great morning enjoying my other three beautiful children and to feel him also. A tinge of sadness but for the most part joy and happiness of the season rang through our home. Someone posted this quote from John Duggar who is the father of 19. I really love the meaning behind it and believe it is true. It is now part of my angel quotes. "God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts." I believe that.