Six Months

Joshua has been gone from us for six months.   As I have had time to reflect upon him and his subsequent death, birth and funeral etc..   I have thought about little things I know about my son.   He is extremely obedient.  Every time I would ask him to kick so I knew he was there he did (until the end) Every time I worried if I could handle 4 children I would feel peace.  He was gentle and mild mannered.  He of course moved like crazy which I enjoyed.  I believe he was thinking of me when I was unaware of his pregnancy until 24 weeks.  With two prior miscarriages I am a wreck until I see a heartbeat and the little pumpkin moving around.  It was great not to worry about that with him.  He was healthy happy and a boy everything I dreamed of.  Completing my picture perfect family 2 boys and 2 girls.  Then to have him taken from us.   Some days I still wonder what I missed.  I have always been incredibly sensitive to others needs.  Why did I miss his signs of distress?  I didn't really I scheduled an appointment and I went a week before we were told he died.  I sat on the exam table as the doctor pronounced me and my Joshua healthy and safe.  He is a specialist.  I trust him explicitly. I would not have my miracle Rachel without his expertise.   I saw him(Joshua) on the ultrasound.  He was OK.  The heartbeat was strong and good.  He was just breech.  I can handle that.  Not his plan or mine.  Someday I will know all.  But now.      I walk by faith...

A Mother's Heart

I recieved this poem from a dear friend after the dealth of my sweet Joshua. 

A Mother's Heart

A mother sheds a silent tear for her precious son.

She bows her head in quiet prayer Thy will, not mine be done.

Her little child a perfect soul left God's Heavenly Throne.

He came to earth but could not stay His Father called him home.

His time was short, his mission done. He came and left his love

Footprints in her heart he placed. In peace he dwells above.

With empty arms, and tender heart she walks with faith, not fear.

She feels God's love surrounding her and knows He's always near.

Wrapped in the cloak of Heavenly Peace the comfprter provides,

She finds the strength to carry on, God's angels by her side.

Again she sheds a silent tear for her Angel Son,

Then bows her head and humbly prays, Thy will Dear God be done.

Marilyn Linford, 2009

Messages

Last Sunday in church a the new young women and young men's theme for this year jumped out off the page at the front of the room.  The first thing that caught my eye was that it is in the book of Joshua.  This book has brought special meaning into my life lately.  I know I have read it before but I did not realize the great miracles and words that are in the book.   Seeing his name brings happiness and joy to my heart.  I then read the message and it was just what I need right now to keep my chin up and my spirits happy.  It reads as follows:

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest"     Joshua 1   Good words for everyone especially for me.

Christmas the after math

We had a wonderful Christmas. We were able to enjoy each other and have a great day. I could feel my sweet Joshua with us for most of the day. At least when we were in our home. As we traveled around to my in-laws and others he was gone. But it was nice to have a great morning enjoying my other three beautiful children and to feel him also. A tinge of sadness but for the most part joy and happiness of the season rang through our home. Someone posted this quote from John Duggar who is the father of 19. I really love the meaning behind it and believe it is true. It is now part of my angel quotes. "God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts." I believe that.

Christmas

This will be a sparatic post.My mind has been writing for weeks and I have to get it out.

I love, love Christmas.  I love decorating.  Planning for the perfect gifts for family and friends.  I love feeling the Savior closer to my home and my heart.  I love everywhere we go people are smiling and happily moving through this beautiful season.  I am struggling, struggling this year.  As I have put the "babies first Christmas" ornaments up for each child and had each of them put up their yearly ornaments my heart has cried and cried.  I miss my sweet son.  We went to the ward party and I know everyone thinks I am fine.  They comment on how strong and wonderful I am doing.   They would be surprised to know how much I cry and fall apart when I am alone.  I know Joshua is doing his plan.  I know he wants me to be happy and enjoy the things I have been given.  I know that is what my Heavenly Father expects also.   Maybe I am being hard on myself.  I don't know.   I have struggled to do things I have always loved because I was planning on having another person to do for.

As a family we chose a baby boy off the angel tree and we furnished him and his mom with many wonderful things.  It was healing and fun.  My other children enjoyed being able to pick out things that he would have loved for some little boy who needs more and we can provide.

With all this ramblings these are things I know.

Each character in the nativity had choices to make weather to participate or not.  Each of them followed the plan they were given with great adherence.   I am grateful to the baby born in Bethlehem. I am so glad He is my Savior and I can count on Him to be there at every turn.  I am grateful for His ability to weep for His friends when their hearts were broken.  I am grateful that He suffered all so He would know how to succor His people. I don't know how He does it but I do know He can and does. I truly have been held and lifted by Him, Jesus Christ my Savior and Friend.

Joshua's Headstone

Joshua's headstone was placed this past week.  This has brought a lot of closure to much of my grief for this while. I love the way it looks and everything about it.  The graphic on it is on a headstone close to his and that bothered me at first however I love the picture of Christ with the baby.  It brings me peace and I smile everytime I see it.  I appreciate the company that put the stone in.  They were very timely and did a great job doing things the way we wanted them done.  The stone has cement in front I can put things on if I want and also the stone is very wide on top so I can set things there also.  It has been four months since I last held my little son.  I have found much peace in the community of angel mom bloggers.  I have learned much from these graceful women who share the same or similar fate.  I have collected 37 pages of quotes, poems, song lyrics,and ideas.  I hope someday to be able to offer the same support they all have given me in my time of need.  I have enjoyed watching a few of them have their rainbow babies.   Here are a few photos of his headstone and the beautiful statue that stands guard over the baby area in the cemetary.  It is a peaceful place.

The Secret Garden Meeting

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It has been three months since our beautiful son was born still.  Many days are wonderful full of joy and laughter and my grief has a safe place in my heart and home.  We have moved forward with a knowledge that our sweet son is safe in the arms of our Savior and our God.  Some days grief rears its ugly head and is overwelming.  I havn't had peoploe ask about my baby for a while and this week I had three parents whose children I taught last year ask me how my baby was.  It brought the pain of Joshua's absence to my mind again.  I feel very hopeful lately.  Hopeful for our future as a family.  I see us going about our wonderful family life with moments of grief,remembrance, and happiness.   I have found a great amount of peace in the thought of my son doing great things in the future.  I have always had a heathy understanding of dealth and this has helped my healing and peace.