Grief Game

It is interesting to me to find myself being bombarded with the grief feelings again as we enter into the summer.  The grief finds itself at center stage in my life where for the past few months it definitely has been in the corner playing just a small simple background melody.  As the anniversary of Joshua' s death approaches the loudness of the sadness comes forward in my brain.  It is not as painful this time around but it brings a shadow to some of my days.  Joshua dear, I do know you are doing the plan that was set forth for you.  I am glad to be your mom. Thank you for visiting as the grief comes and goes.  Thank you for letting me know your desire to be in our family.  We will continue to do our best as a family with our plan laid out for us.  We love you so dearly.  Mom

Love this article:  Explains the grief game so well.

Two months

See new post two months

keeping up

I am struggling to keep up with two blogs.   Joshua is a big brother.  We came so close to losing his little brother with a full knot in his cord.  I will be posting on our family blog found here. 

I will Carry you

Joshua Derrek,  
OH how much I love you little one.  Memories of carrying you have been mixing with the new memories of your little brother.  I need to get a few experiences down.   I know for sure you have a job you are assigned to do.  When I was pregnant with you I felt your spirit come and go.  I knew you were doing an important job.  You would be with me so fleetingly.  You would come and go.  I am grateful to have had the remembrance of those moments you came.  I know one of your jobs is as a guardian angel.  I do not know if you are directly assigned but I know you help some of your young cousins who speak of you often.  It touches my heart to know you offer peace to them and to your siblings and family.  Your little brother will be here in two days.  I am so very very scared.  I will forever carry your memory in my heart and soul.  I have learned much about myself and our savior.  In the words of the song "far beyond the empty cradle through the coming years. I will carry you.  I will praise the one whose chosen me to carry you."  Your birth day was the most spiritual experience of my life.  I am worried about the new phase with a new baby and possibly forgetting you. However, I know you will forever be connected to my heart.  We as a family love you so much. Our family is working very hard to do what we need to in order to be together forever.  Keep being obedient, as I know you are.  WE love you and want you to know you can never be replaced. Our motto:   "God's will is what we would choose if we had all the facts"

Mom

14/15 days and counting

We are so excited, nervous, scared, terrified, and thrilled for the next few weeks.  Our new little boy will be here either on the 8th or 9th depending on how fast he decides to come.  I have been going for NST's since I was 32 weeks.  and then twice a week since 34 weeks.  My doctor is a  sweetheart.  He is trying to keep me grounded and mentally sane.  For the most part it is working.  I have had moments of panic and moments where I remember my time with my Joshua and tear up but I am so hopeful for our new son's arrival in safety and peace.  He is very wiggly and squirmy and I love him for it.  We are also taking time for individual dates with each child.  They come to the doctors with us and then we take them out to dinner and to do an activity just for them.  We went to the bookstore, Mc Donalds and the pet store with Rachel.  Jacob went shopping for a gift for baby, to Texas Roadhouse and the arcade.   Shelby and I are getting Manicures and Pedicures and then going out to eat.  It has been good to spend special time with each of them.  I am the most blessed person in the whole world.  I often wish I could do something to show Joshua that his presence is felt and that he has a spot in my heart and in our family. 

Today

This pregnancy has been a unique experience.  I have had many good experiences and some not so good.  I am taking Lovenox shots for blood clots.  I have bruises all over my huge stomach.  I have been so grateful for insurance to cover the ridiculous price of medicine.  This week I have missed my Joshua more and more than I have for a long time.  I have been very exhausted for some reason and I definitely was sleepy the whole 13 weeks I knew Joshua was coming.    I have longed to touch and hold him again.  I have tried to find something small I could do for him but he is where he is supposed to be and I am doing what I am supposed to so I just miss him.  More and more as this baby comes closer to delivery I am missing what I thought was to be with Joshua. I have an incredible amount of guilt as I feel I have not bonded with this baby as I have with the other four.  I am so excited to meet him and see his sweet person I just have not been able to let my fears subside.  Every appointment and NST should bring a peace and happiness but they just are another box to check on the way to delivery day.  One thing I am grateful for is this baby's squirminess.  He is by far my most easily felt baby.  I just have to think I haven't felt you move for a little while and he kicks kicks kicks to let me know he is safe.  Very comforting. 

Faces of Hope/Faces of Loss

Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart.


This has been on the fore front of my mind as I enter the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy with our new baby. and just got put on modified bed rest because of blood clots. Our family had many great things happen for us but the ones that stand out the most.
1. My daughter's best friend invited her to come play.  She did not know anything had happened and her mom had just felt like she needed to stay home that day from work and they needed my 11 year old to come play.   My mom was home with my kids and the mom of her friend called to find out why my sweetie was struggling and my mom told her.  She spent the rest of the day doing Shelby's hair, nails, toes etc... with her daughter of course.    She did what I could not.  Shelby was absolutely beautiful and she felt that way when she came and held her baby brother.  I appreciate to this day her kindness and listening to the prompting to stay home from work and help my baby.  
2. My sweet husband's work sent us flowers at the hospital.  They had a beautiful bird in a birdhouse and the flowers were so beautiful.  They gave me something to focus on through the delivery and pain of leaving the hospital empty.  I knew my husband had a good support system.  Many men do not have that but he did and I was grateful. 
3. My in-laws had flowers in our room at home along with a precious moments angel boy to go with the rest of our family pieces..  It was beautiful still is.  They are so good to me.  They all came to the small grave side service we had.  

4. My brothers and sister and spouses,They were all at the grave side service and they presented us with this picture.  I love it.  I often think of my sweet son with my Savior.  Maybe walking together . It is beautiful

 

5.  My neighbors and friends tried to think of things to do for us, They tried their best and at the time I was grateful but nothing really helped me but the retrospect and thinking it did help and I appreciated their thoughtfulness.  The reason it did not help me was my own not theirs.  I hate to be the center of attention.  But oh how I needed them.     Flowers, calling the kids to play, kind notes, dinner, beautiful pictures of Christ, encouraging words, the hugs, free haircuts for me and the kids, you name it our family was enveloped in the arms of love and kindness. 

6.  Prayers of others. I know for sure these helped in the darkest moments of the nights to follow.