keeping up

I am struggling to keep up with two blogs.   Joshua is a big brother.  We came so close to losing his little brother with a full knot in his cord.  I will be posting on our family blog found here. 

I will Carry you

Joshua Derrek,  
OH how much I love you little one.  Memories of carrying you have been mixing with the new memories of your little brother.  I need to get a few experiences down.   I know for sure you have a job you are assigned to do.  When I was pregnant with you I felt your spirit come and go.  I knew you were doing an important job.  You would be with me so fleetingly.  You would come and go.  I am grateful to have had the remembrance of those moments you came.  I know one of your jobs is as a guardian angel.  I do not know if you are directly assigned but I know you help some of your young cousins who speak of you often.  It touches my heart to know you offer peace to them and to your siblings and family.  Your little brother will be here in two days.  I am so very very scared.  I will forever carry your memory in my heart and soul.  I have learned much about myself and our savior.  In the words of the song "far beyond the empty cradle through the coming years. I will carry you.  I will praise the one whose chosen me to carry you."  Your birth day was the most spiritual experience of my life.  I am worried about the new phase with a new baby and possibly forgetting you. However, I know you will forever be connected to my heart.  We as a family love you so much. Our family is working very hard to do what we need to in order to be together forever.  Keep being obedient, as I know you are.  WE love you and want you to know you can never be replaced. Our motto:   "God's will is what we would choose if we had all the facts"

Mom

14/15 days and counting

We are so excited, nervous, scared, terrified, and thrilled for the next few weeks.  Our new little boy will be here either on the 8th or 9th depending on how fast he decides to come.  I have been going for NST's since I was 32 weeks.  and then twice a week since 34 weeks.  My doctor is a  sweetheart.  He is trying to keep me grounded and mentally sane.  For the most part it is working.  I have had moments of panic and moments where I remember my time with my Joshua and tear up but I am so hopeful for our new son's arrival in safety and peace.  He is very wiggly and squirmy and I love him for it.  We are also taking time for individual dates with each child.  They come to the doctors with us and then we take them out to dinner and to do an activity just for them.  We went to the bookstore, Mc Donalds and the pet store with Rachel.  Jacob went shopping for a gift for baby, to Texas Roadhouse and the arcade.   Shelby and I are getting Manicures and Pedicures and then going out to eat.  It has been good to spend special time with each of them.  I am the most blessed person in the whole world.  I often wish I could do something to show Joshua that his presence is felt and that he has a spot in my heart and in our family. 

Today

This pregnancy has been a unique experience.  I have had many good experiences and some not so good.  I am taking Lovenox shots for blood clots.  I have bruises all over my huge stomach.  I have been so grateful for insurance to cover the ridiculous price of medicine.  This week I have missed my Joshua more and more than I have for a long time.  I have been very exhausted for some reason and I definitely was sleepy the whole 13 weeks I knew Joshua was coming.    I have longed to touch and hold him again.  I have tried to find something small I could do for him but he is where he is supposed to be and I am doing what I am supposed to so I just miss him.  More and more as this baby comes closer to delivery I am missing what I thought was to be with Joshua. I have an incredible amount of guilt as I feel I have not bonded with this baby as I have with the other four.  I am so excited to meet him and see his sweet person I just have not been able to let my fears subside.  Every appointment and NST should bring a peace and happiness but they just are another box to check on the way to delivery day.  One thing I am grateful for is this baby's squirminess.  He is by far my most easily felt baby.  I just have to think I haven't felt you move for a little while and he kicks kicks kicks to let me know he is safe.  Very comforting. 

Faces of Hope/Faces of Loss

Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart.


This has been on the fore front of my mind as I enter the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy with our new baby. and just got put on modified bed rest because of blood clots. Our family had many great things happen for us but the ones that stand out the most.
1. My daughter's best friend invited her to come play.  She did not know anything had happened and her mom had just felt like she needed to stay home that day from work and they needed my 11 year old to come play.   My mom was home with my kids and the mom of her friend called to find out why my sweetie was struggling and my mom told her.  She spent the rest of the day doing Shelby's hair, nails, toes etc... with her daughter of course.    She did what I could not.  Shelby was absolutely beautiful and she felt that way when she came and held her baby brother.  I appreciate to this day her kindness and listening to the prompting to stay home from work and help my baby.  
2. My sweet husband's work sent us flowers at the hospital.  They had a beautiful bird in a birdhouse and the flowers were so beautiful.  They gave me something to focus on through the delivery and pain of leaving the hospital empty.  I knew my husband had a good support system.  Many men do not have that but he did and I was grateful. 
3. My in-laws had flowers in our room at home along with a precious moments angel boy to go with the rest of our family pieces..  It was beautiful still is.  They are so good to me.  They all came to the small grave side service we had.  

4. My brothers and sister and spouses,They were all at the grave side service and they presented us with this picture.  I love it.  I often think of my sweet son with my Savior.  Maybe walking together . It is beautiful

 

5.  My neighbors and friends tried to think of things to do for us, They tried their best and at the time I was grateful but nothing really helped me but the retrospect and thinking it did help and I appreciated their thoughtfulness.  The reason it did not help me was my own not theirs.  I hate to be the center of attention.  But oh how I needed them.     Flowers, calling the kids to play, kind notes, dinner, beautiful pictures of Christ, encouraging words, the hugs, free haircuts for me and the kids, you name it our family was enveloped in the arms of love and kindness. 

6.  Prayers of others. I know for sure these helped in the darkest moments of the nights to follow.

Til KIngdom Come

My children all have songs that have meaning to me around the time they are born.  I usually do not choose a song for them until my maternity leave is over.  However this little one's song seems to have been chosen before.  It is "til Kingdom Come" by Coldplay.   For you I'll wait till kingdom comes has so many different meanings to me.  It is beautiful and lyrical and I love the music besides the words.   13-15 more weeks to wait to see this little ones face and feel him.   Here are the lyrics for me really

"Til Kingdom Come"

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."--
(Looking forward to hearing my baby boy laugh, sing, cry, and breathe)

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

Christmas and Nightmares

I am 22 weeks pregnant today.   I truly feel like they have been the most stressful, hopeful days of my life.  I usually have crazy nightmares when I am pregnant but they are out of control now.  I wake up in a panic.  So grateful for the Doppler and a wiggly baby.  I am emotionally weary.  We have 18 weeks --really 16 because I will be induced early.  My children are nervous also.  Their prayers and talk are cautiously hopeful.  I feel as though their innocence has been removed. The do not talk about when this baby comes they always say if we get to keep our baby...I am sad to see thier hesitance to be excited, but oh do I understand.  My sister told me I was being unkind to this baby by not being overly excited about the pregnancy.  Oh I am excited.   I just know that just being pregnant does not guarantee a baby at the end.  I am after all at 50% of my pregnancies with live babies.  3 alive, 3 miscarriages, and 1 stillborn.  Not really good odds.   But better than some others.  Have our major ultrasound on the 3rd.  Part of me hopes for peace after but I know it will not come fully until I have our little boy in our arms.

Christmas:
What a great time of year- I love it.  I so miss my little Joshua.  More and more as this baby is almost as big as I was when we found out we were expecting our little perfect boy(23 weeks).  His spot on our tree is so peaceful and it brings me joy.  My husband and I put his ornaments on together and cried and cried.   We purchased gifts for another 1 year old again this year.  I like this it is healing to a degree.  I am a gift giver.  I love to give gifts so it was fun to choose just the right thing for a little boy.  I hope their families cherish the gifts.  So grateful for the baby we celebrate at this beautiful season.  His Peace,  his grace, and his resurrected life bring me hope and peace that all will be OK.

Enough of my rambling.  My mind is flowing around so many places.  Love my boy.