A year ago

Tragedy.  There is no other word to describe the feeling I had a year ago tonight.  As my husband and I were reeling from the news of no heartbeat and a stillborn son who still needed to be born.  Broken hearted we went through the motions of telling our families.  Our children were so devastated.  They had prayed so hard for another sibling.  What a devastating night.  Well a year later all I can say is I am grateful for a God who loves me and knows me and my family. 

I thought I would be expecting a baby at this time but no the case just wishing for one.  

Help Please

Dear Angel Mom community, 

You all have helped me so very much over the past year.  I wish I could thank each of you for when your words inspired me to keep moving forward and you have helped me feel normal and like I am not quite as crazy as I thought I was.  I am trying to come up with something to do for Joshua's year angel versary.   My husband will be out of  town helping others and I really want to do something but have not been able to put my heart or hand on just the right thing.  I am looking for any suggestions you have.  I do have three other children who have been very affected by his loss and I want to do something with/for them also.  Thanks Kappy

(Joshua's footprint)

Dear Joshua

Son, 

I finally finished the memory book of our short time together. It should be here by the time of your 1st angelversary.  You will forever be my little angel boy.  Our time together was so short.  I was not aware of you until I was 24 weeks and then you slipped away so silently at 37 weeks.  13 weeks just wasn't enough time with your sweet spirit.  Time will march on and we will be together again someday. 

Love you forever my sweet angel boy,

Mommy

Memorial Day for Joshua

My handsome boys

 Joshua's headstone on Memorial day.  The cemetery was beautiful.  Every where we looked there were flowers, balloons, sentiments and people.  A beautiful summer day to see our loved ones.  I love Joshua's site.  It is a sacred beautiful place to be. 

Hope

A very unique combination of things have happened to bring the subject of hope into my mind.  I have longed hoped for another baby.  Not that one could replace my Joshua just one I could hold and love.   I have watched (blog watched) numerous baby loss moms go through successful pregnancies and deliver nice beautiful babies.  This has brought hope in my heart and overwhelming joy for them and their families.   Also tragedies that happen come to life as more angel moms join forums and another mom of angel twins just had an angel boy.  Heartbreaking to me.  But her message of hope to try again has soothed my soul.  It struck a cord of peace to me to hear of her desire to have a child.  It is the desire of many I know who deal with infertility and loss. 

9 months

A year ago this week I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Joshua.  I have never been so shocked by any news in my life.  I flew to Arizona with this secret in my heart.  I spent the weekend with family and loved every minute of thinking of my sweet baby growing.  I knew the baby was big because I felt him moving moving all over the place.   Little did I know I would be 24 weeks along with a beautiful boy.  What a miracle for a girl who wasn't supposed to have any more children.  What a tragedy that he would be whisked from our arms to heavens door.    He is still part of our family I adore him and miss him being a part of me.  I would love to have him here today, but as I tell my son often  "it was not his plan". 

I have painful arms today.  I have longed for another baby for a while and even more so when I lost Joshua but  today my arms ache with the loss of my darling son.  Maybe another miracle can happen.  I do not know.  One can only hope and pray for a great miracle.  It truly would be miraculous.  Like I have always said.  "I believe in miracles I have seen them happen before.  Maybe it is our families turn for a miracle. 

Easter

Time definitely marches on.  It has been 8 months since I held my Joshua.  Easter was very meaningful this year.  It usually is.  The resurrection is such an amazing part of Christ's life and even better the atonement where Christ suffered for all of us.  All our grief and pain and sin.  I am so grateful to have Him as my friend. 

I attended an Easter play entitled Jesus the Christ.  This was put on by local people (my sister and niece were in it)  It depicted scenes from Christs death to his accent into heaven.  Most of the script was taken from the New Testament.  At one particular part they had children and people in white as angels being risen from the dead and the children ran to their parents arms.  All I could think of was my Joshua and how glorious that will be when I can visit with him and get to know him more than I all ready do.     I cried through the whole play.  Sobbed some of it.  My sweet older son just held my hand.  What a good boy!

He is some of the reasons for my tears.  He prays and has prayed for years for a brother.  In his innocence when we told him we were having our three year old he said "I'm the baby we don't need another one, but if it is a boy it will be OK"

  NOT a Boy our sweet Rachel came.

Then to have Joshua gone.  And other events in our life have been very difficult on him.  He has so much faith.  I should have more faith.  He is so strong.  So this tells me either I need to try for another child or find a son who needs a home.  Both are hard.  I just tried to call my OBGYN who I really respect and it was painful.  I felt sheepish and scared all over again.   All the pain of my last visit there with Joshua came back.  OUCH.

Here is a beautiful egg one of the baby loss mothers made, I do not think it was for me but seeing my son's name with a live beautiful chick made me happy. I have found much peace in the blogs of others.  I sometimes wish I knew some of them personally.  I would like to have a friend who understood.  The people who know me think of me as a strong person that nothing phases. If only they knew but I guess I really don't want them to.  I like to be happy Kappy it is always who I have been.